Feb 20 2013

learning the hard way

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Don’t we all wish that our kids would just take our word for every situation in life? When Nathan was two years old, he was very fascinated with the electric fan. Everyday, he would go near it and slowly extend his arm to try to touch it until he would hear us tell him firmly “No, don’t touch that!” We repeatedly told him, reminded him and explained to him what could happen until one day, while I was cooking in the kitchen, I heard a loud cry and saw Nathan with blood dripping from his fingers. If he had just taken our word for it.

We tell our child not to run on that slippery floor, and yet he does and falls. We tell him to study more and he doesn’t and he fails his test. We tell him to stay away from a particular girl and he doesn’t and that relationship gets messy. We tell him not to spend his savings on that gadget and he does and he realizes the waste.

I like how Julie Hiramine, founder of Generations of Virtue, puts it: sometimes our children choose “experience over knowledge.” I couldn’t agree more. Our children can be spared from a lot of pain if they would just listen to us. But reality is, they will not always do as they are told and they will just have to learn the hard way. The important thing is they learn – whether through the easy way or the hard way.

What do we do when our children choose experience over knowledge? It is so tempting to turn our backs and say “I told you so. You should have listened to me in the first place. Now you deal with that.” But our children must know that we will stand with them through the ups and downs of their lives. We need to walk it out with our children even in the situations where the mess is brought about by their own disobedience. We need to comfort them in their pain, help them face the consequences of their actions and process the lessons they can learn from the situation.

While we don’t want our children to disobey, we can still benefit from their disobedience by using the situation to teach them the important lessons they have to learn and allowing it to strengthen our relationship with them.

Jan 25 2013

kids just wanna have fun

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I was really looking forward to attending the seminar of Ms. Darlene Sala, a pastor’s wife, author and international conference speaker, along with other pastor’s wives. I knew that she would have so much wisdom to share about marriage,  family and ministry.

Over lunch, I asked her what one advice she could give us about raising children. And this was what she said: “If I had the chance to do things over, I would play with my children more.”

The simplicity of her answer caught me by surprise. But I think I get what she was talking about.

Though we know that parenting is not all about fun, I think all moms can agree that we can be so uptight sometimes. We get so stressed over our to-do list and ignore our kids who just want to enjoy a few minutes with us. Sometimes keeping the house neat and tidy is more important than allowing our kids room to play around and have fun. Other times, it’s keeping ourselves neat and tidy that gets in the way. We don’t want to wrinkle our clothes or mess up our hair when all our child wants is some playtime on the bed or floor. We just tend to take life too seriously.

If you ask my daughter Janina about one of her most memorable trips, she would say it was when we brought her to Hong Kong when she was 4 years old. Ask her why, and she would talk about the “Captain Hook” game she played with her dad in the hotel room. Dad was Captain Hook and she was Jane and Captain Hook put her in a sack (blanket) and carried her around the room. It wasn’t the theme parks, nor the shopping, but it was playtime with dad that stuck with her.

Two words I want to remind us today: Relax and play. When was the last time you laughed with your kids? There are tons of things we can do with them: play dress-up, make up songs, hide and seek, shower in the rain, play pranks, blow bubbles, role play, water balloon fight, pillow fight, dance together. There are no limits to your imagination. Don’t worry if you look silly. Just have fun with your kids.

Nov 28 2012

something’s wrong in this picture (repost)

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Look at this picture. The hot air balloon is fully inflated, ready to fly but why is it still on the ground? It is because of the weight of several men pulling it down, holding it back.

This is a picture of what unforgiveness does to us. God wants us to live a full life, to soar to greater heights, but we allow the hurts and offenses of the past to weigh us down.

We have one life to live… forgive. God wants us to enjoy life and build memories with the people He has put in our lives. How many birthdays, anniversaries, reunions have we missed because of the hurt and anger we’ve nursed in our hearts all these years?

As we enter the Christmas season, it is a good time to check our hearts. Have we harboured unforgiveness toward someone? Now is a good time to let go. Forgiving will not make the person who hurt you right, but it will make you free! Free to receive everything God has for you! Free to be who God wants you to be!

Colossians 3:13
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you

Nov 6 2012

Christmas without Christ

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I have a confession to make. My four-year old son Joaquin is confused about Christmas. He was out with me grocery shopping and was excitedly admiring all the Christmas decors that adorned the supermarket when he exclaimed “Santa is the king of Christmas!” I was shocked at his statement. I felt like my child blurted out some kind of heresy ! (Okay, okay, I’m over-reacting, I know. He is, in fact, only 4.) Of course I couldn’t just let that kind of statement slip, so I corrected him on the spot and said that it’s not Santa, but JESUS.

This incident reminded me of one important reality… that it is easy for our children to miss out on the real PERSON behind Christmas. Everywhere you go, the Christmas spirit is in the air, decorations of Santa and reindeers and evergreens are all over, but nowhere will you find Jesus. Only very occasionally do we see the nativity scene on display when it is really the birth of Jesus that we celebrate. Without Jesus, there is no Christmas. Without Christmas, there is no salvation for mankind.

There are only 48 days to go ’til Christmas. Before the season gets really busy, before I bring out the decors and shop for presents, I need to spend time reminding and explaining to my children, especially the younger ones, what Christmas is all about.

For ideas, check out this blog.

 

Oct 15 2012

wipe out

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Wipe out: when a surfer falls off his or her board. Our kids had their first-hand experience of this word this weekend when they went surfing for the first time. We decided to go to Crystal Beach Resort in Zambales to try something the family has been wanting to do for the longest time. (Well, everyone tried except me and my excuse was I had to take the pictures :) )

From my point of view on the shore, those wipe outs didn’t look pleasant. And I know enough that they could really cause serious injuries. One incident that happened the day before to our friend was his surfboard hit him right on the middle of his neck which made his throat bleed from the inside. But my kids wanted to do this so badly, I just kept praying for their safety.

I was so amazed at my kids’ determination. They would wait for the wave, and try to get up and balance themselves, and fall, and they would do this over and over again until they finally got it! I was sooo happy to see them surf!

Inspite of my skipped heartbeats everytime they fell, I was glad our kids went surfing. It taught them a great life lesson. Wipe outs are inevitable. Whether it’s in surfing or in school or at home, our kids will fall, our kids will fail. But wipeouts are not dead ends. We need to instill determination in them, and teach them to keep trying until they succeed.

Oct 10 2012

the introverted child

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I was at a birthday party talking with a friend in one corner when one of the kids came to our spot to quietly play with some toys. Her mom came after a few minutes to call her and convince her to play with the other kids. I told the mom that it’s okay for her to stay, that she really wasn’t bothering us. And the mom said that she wanted her daugther to socialize with the other children because her teacher in school said that she had problems with socialization. This was one time when I gave an unsolicited advice and told the mom that if her daughter didn’t want to socialize with the other kids,  and if she was happy playing alone, then there is nothing wrong with leaving her to play by herself.

I am not a child psychologist but I think my experience with my own four children is enough for me to conclude that not all kids are social butterflies. Some kids are very natural at connecting with other people, even with strangers, they can easily start conversations, and they get energized being around people. But some kids prefer to be inside their cocoons, to be alone, they don’t like to talk that much and they are content with having just a handful of friends.

There are times our eldest son Nathan would tell us that he would just spend the whole afternoon in the library just reading a book. And he was very happy and content to do just that. And there are times too when we’ve had to ask him to come out of his bedroom to entertain our guests and he would willingly oblige.

As long as your child is not rude, meaning, he knows how to greet people properly, he knows how to answer politely when asked a question, and if you’re sure that he doesn’t have a self-esteem problem, then I wouldn’t worry about him wanting to spend time alone. An extrovert is not better than an introvert, they just have different social needs.

“Introverted children are often misunderstood, even by their parents, who worry about them. Engaged by their interior world, they’re often regarded as aloof. Easily overwhelmed by too much stimulation, they can be seen as unmotivated. Content with just one or two close friends, they may be perceived as unpopular. Parents fret that they are unhappy and maladjusted. But the truth is quite different: Introverted children are creative problem solvers. Introverted children love to learn. Introverted children have a high EQ (emotional IQ) and are in touch with their feelings. They take time to stop and smell the roses, and they enjoy their own company. They are dependable, persistent, flexible, and lack vanity.” (The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child: Helping Your Child Thrive in an Extroverted World, Dr. Marti Olsen Laney.) You can read up more if you think your child is an introvert.

God created our children differently, each with a unique set of strengths and weaknesses. We cannot pressure them to be somebody they were not meant to be. Let us always ask God’s wisdom and guidance to raise them up in the way they should go.

Sep 25 2012

stand your ground

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Every now and then, we would see our youngest Joaquin throw his weight around and order his siblings or act like the “boss” of the home.

When we confronted him about it, the conversation went like this:
Daddy: ”Joaquin who’s the boss?”
Joaquin: “You and mommy are the boss!”
Daddy: “Then why do you sometimes act like the boss?”
Joaquin: “Because I’m your helper!”

Of course this made us want to laugh out loud but we tried our very best to control ourselves so as not to give Joaquin the wrong impression.

It seems like it’s almost everyday that one or more of our children try to overthrow us from our position as the “boss” of the home. They challenge our authority and push us until our backs are against the wall.

How do we survive? We just have to stand our ground.

If our kids are determined, we need to show more determination. Establishing your authority is usually a test of endurance. You need to have the staying power, the perseverance, the tenacity to hold on to the reins even if four kids are pulling on it all at the same time. Even if your kids tempt you with their most adorable smile. (Aaarggghh! This is the hardest!) Even if your kids throw lines at you like “I thought you loved me…” Even if your kids dub you as the devil or an alien. (And I’ve been called both.)

Standing your ground is not a matter of pride or power-tripping. It is a matter of faithfulness to the calling that God has given us as parents.  We are to train, to discipline, to instruct, to restrain.  We cannot do these things if we have relinquished our authority.

So, who’s the boss in your home?