Tag Archives: discipline

Jul 26 2010

WAIT YOUR TURN

Years ago, when Paolo and I just had one child, we hosted an American family who had several kids. Over dinner conversations, one child would interrupt his dad and he would just raise a finger to that child and carry on with his conversation. After the dad finishes his conversation, that’s the only time he would give his attention to his child. I would always feel sorry for that child who, in my inexperienced mind, was ignored by his dad. Didn’t the dad have to drop his adult conversation to give attention to his own child?

Today, having 4 kids, I often find myself doing the same thing to my children. It is quite a challenge to carry on a decent conversation with my husband with 4 kids around who all constantly demand my attention. What I now realize is that American guest of ours was teaching their kids to wait their turn. Most children lack patience. When they want our attention, they want it right away. Our kids often interrupt us and when they do, we need to teach them to wait their turn. Interrupting also shows disrespect for the people who are conversing.

Whenever a child of ours interrupts, (or often it is 3 kids interrupting all at the same time) we tell them “I’m sorry I am in the middle of a conversation.” Or we give their arm a gentle squeeze to communicate to them that now’s not a good time but we are aware they want to tell us something. As soon as we are done, we make sure to give them our undivided attention.

If we are successful in this, our kids will develop the patience and self-control to wait their turn in other things as well like playing with a toy or using the computer. They will also learn to respect other’s needs and put them before their own.

Jun 28 2010

DISCIPLINE IS MORE THAN PUNISHMENT

I got this note from my daughter yesterday after we had a “little” confrontation. After I read it, I told her I forgive her and gave her a hug.
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After a time of discipline, it is our joy to see our kids repent and ask for forgiveness for the wrong that they have done. Discipline is more than punishment or giving consequences. If after you have grounded your child, or given him a spanking, and yet he remains hard-hearted, and there is no change in him, then it just means you are not done with discipline yet. What we want to see happen is for our kids to acknowledge what they have done and repent from it. We want a change of heart which restores them back to a right relationship with us and with God.

Jun 28 2010

DISCIPLINE IS MORE THAN PUNISHMENT

I got this note from my daughter yesterday after we had a “little” confrontation. After I read it, I told her I forgive her and gave her a hug.
Image and video hosting by TinyPic
After a time of discipline, it is our joy to see our kids repent and ask for forgiveness for the wrong that they have done. Discipline is more than punishment or giving consequences. If after you have grounded your child, or given him a spanking, and yet he remains hard-hearted, and there is no change in him, then it just means you are not done with discipline yet. What we want to see happen is for our kids to acknowledge what they have done and repent from it. We want a change of heart which restores them back to a right relationship with us and with God.

Jun 13 2010

ON WHINING

All of my kids go through periods of whining. From my 1 yr old to my 14 yr old. Kids whine for different reasons but mostly it’s when things don’t go their way. It’s when they want to buy that lollipop in the supermarket, or to stay up late or go out with their friends and you say no, then they endlessly nag you in that high-pitched, grumbling, complaining tone. Whining really irritates me. (Occasionally though, my kids would be whining, only for me to realize that I have been too busy with other stuff and haven’t been giving them the attention they need. In times like these, I do my best to re-organize my week to make sure I spend ample time with them.) Though it is very common in kids, they have to be taught how to communicate properly even when they are emotional. And they just have to learn to accept the situation and move on even when it doesn’t turn out the way they want it. If whining is tolerated, it develops into a bad habit that our kids will carry with them until adulthood. Yes, I have heard adults whine!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic How do I deal with my kids’ whining? I stop it instantly. When Joaquin starts to whine, I hold his arms firmly, look him straight in the eye and tell him to stop whining. It is surprising how a 1-yr old can control his emotions with consistent training. If they speak in a whining tone, I tell them that I can’t listen properly until they speak in a normal tone. I show them how to say things in a better way. Instead of “I wanna finish my video!” teach them to say “Mom, can you please give me some more time to finish my video?” Sometimes our kids nag us when they want something even after we’ve said no and most parents give in just to make them stop. When you do that, you have just taught your kids that nagging gives them what they want. When I answer a “no” to my child’s request, and he starts to nag, I tell him “I already said no and I don’t want you to ask me again.” And whenever our kids respond properly, we should always be quick to praise them and encourage them for handling their emotions well!

Apr 28 2010

why our kids misbehave (part 2)

If you haven’t read part 1, click here.

The 2nd point I wanted to comment on from the video presentation was this:

Punishment and rewards are the biggest time-wasters and the least effective ways to get any child to really listen and respect you.

On the contrary, I think it is very dangerous not to let our kids experience the consequences of their actions because it is not like that in the real world.

Again, there are many new parenting methods that come out every year, and in the 14 years of parenting experience I’ve had, I still see that the old, time and tested ways of the Bible is what works the best.

Eph 6: 1-3 says “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— “that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”

The Bible often talks about promises that accompany those who obey God’s commandments. God rewards His obedient children.

On the other hand, the Bible is clear too about the place of discipline and punishment whenever there is disobedience.

Heb 6: 6 says “because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.”

Proverbs 13: 24 says “He who spares the rod hates his son but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.”

An important principle our kids should learn at an early age is that there are always consequences to our decisions and actions. That’s just how it is. Everything we do has a consequence.  If my toddler keeps on insisting to touch the stove, I will swat his hand, rather than let his hand be burned. If he associates the swatting with the touching of the stove, he will eventually learn that he is not supposed to touch the stove. I would rather be the one to inflict the pain, than see his hand burned, which is far more painful than my swat.  If I ask my teenager to clean his room, and he does it without hesitation, I might take him out for coffee or ice cream to reinforce his behavior.  Punishment and rewards are great teachers. Not only for a child, but even for an adult. When we allow our kids to suffer or enjoy the consequences of their actions, it is not because we want to manipulate them to do what we want, but it is because we want to equip them to make the right decisions in the future.

Ultimately our goal is for our kids to honor God, obey Him and please Him in everything they do because they love Him. Not because they are afraid of God’s judgment or because they are just after God’s rewards. We also want them to obey us, their parents, out of their love for us, not out of fear or so we will give them what they want. Punishment and rewards, among other things, if used properly and with balance, can help us achieve this.

Hebrews 12: 11  “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”


Apr 20 2010

WHY OUR KIDS MISBEHAVE

Another message from facebook:

hi ms. jenn, i just stumbled upon this video link and i thought of sharing with you and want to know your thoughts. questionable though

http://happychildguide.com/presentation/v1/how-to-get-your-child-to-listen_1/

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I clicked on the link and watched the video presentation for about 15 minutes and decided i didn’t want to buy the book they were selling. There are a lot of new books out there on parenting and it is quite tricky to choose what to read and apply. I always use one filter to choose which books to read : the Word of God. For this particular book, though I didn’t read the whole material, there were 2 points the author raised from the 15-min presentation that to me are questionable: ( I will discuss the other point on my next blog)

1. The real reason why kids misbehave is found in the child’s brain chemistry. When a child experiences stress, there is an increase of cortisol in the brain and therefore, they are unable to think clearly. An increase in cortisol will cause a child to be hyperactive, argumentative, defiant, annoyingly whiney, throw tantrums and not listen and even become physically aggressive and violent. Whenever cortisol level goes down, children will listen, behave and relate better to the world around them.

(Again, I wanna make it clear that I didn’t read the whole book, and this is not a book review. I am basing my comments on the stuff I heard from the video presentation alone.)

I feel the point stated above is a bit off in 2 counts.

First is, though I am not a neuroscientist, and I am sure that there are things that happen in our brain whenever we are stressed, the real issue is not in the brain, but in the heart. The book talks about “Scientific Tricks to Stop Misbehavior”. Any parenting method that doesn’t address the heart, but only focuses on external behavior falls short. It is just like putting a band aid on the wound but not really treating the infection.

Matthew 15:19
“For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.”
Luke 6:45
“The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.”

Our kids sin because they are sinners. When a child grabs a toy from another, it is because there is selfishness in his heart. When a child hits another, it is because there is anger in his heart. Our kids need a Savior who will transform their hearts to be more like Him. We need to introduce our children to Jesus.

Second, we need to teach our kids to behave even in the midst of stress. Parents these days have overly used stress as an excuse for their children’s misbehavior… “Oh, he’s just sleepy” or “he’s hungry.” As much as we try as parents to be sensitive to our children’s needs, we need to teach them to do what is right inspite of their circumstances. I remember Joseph, when he was seduced everyday by Mrs. Potiphar, he still stood by what was right, inspite of the fact that his stress levels were off the charts… he was forsaken by his brothers, sold into slavery, working in a foreign land, (seemingly) forgotten by his God… yet he did not misbehave, but did what was right in the eyes of the Lord. A lot of criminals have committed their crimes because they were stressed… maybe one desperately needed money for his wife’s cancer, or another needed to feed his kids. But stress is not an excuse.

John 16:33 “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Even Jesus made it clear that trouble will be a part of our lives. But if we help our children cultivate a relationship with Jesus, they will know how to overcome.

The most important thing we need to do as parents is to introduce our kids to their Creator. It is not about external behavior. It is about what happens in the heart. It is about teaching our kids to surrender their lives to our God and loving Him and pleasing Him in everything. A changed heart results in the right behavior. If our kids understand that their lives are to honor God, they will strive to do it…even under stress.


Apr 15 2010

SETTING BOUNDARIES FOR OUR KIDS

Today our little Joaquin got hold of a marker and started drawing on a small board. After a few minutes, to my shock, I realized that his marker started to wander off the board and onto our floor. Had I not caught him in time, I’m sure his marker would have made it to our walls, and bedsheets, and clothes.

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Joaquin drawing on the floor

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Good thing he was using a washable marker

I wonder how our house would look like if Paolo and I didn’t have boundaries for our kids. According to my daughter Janina, this place would look like a “dumpster.” Empty bags of chips all over, dirty clothes in the hallway, wet cotton balls stuck on the mirror (yes they’ve done this), drawings on the walls, CD’s on the floor, kids screaming at each other and possibly hurting each other, etc, etc. You get the idea.

We set boundaries for our kids at home for a long-term goal. We want them to be able to know how to live within the boundaries of God’s word. I know a few well-meaning parents who allow their kids to do everything they want and realize that their kids have a hard time adjusting to the rules of their school or behaving in other people’s homes. The worst part is that they will have a hard time living according to the will of God. If kids got used to doing their own way, they will have a hard time being in submission to any kind of authority.

Psalm 119:9
How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word.

Apr 15 2010

SETTING BOUNDARIES FOR OUR KIDS

Today our little Joaquin got hold of a marker and started drawing on a small board. After a few minutes, to my shock, I realized that his marker started to wander off the board and onto our floor. Had I not caught him in time, I’m sure his marker would have made it to our walls, and bedsheets, and clothes.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Joaquin drawing on the floor

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Good thing he was using a washable marker

I wonder how our house would look like if Paolo and I didn’t have boundaries for our kids. According to my daughter Janina, this place would look like a “dumpster.” Empty bags of chips all over, dirty clothes in the hallway, wet cotton balls stuck on the mirror (yes they’ve done this), drawings on the walls, CD’s on the floor, kids screaming at each other and possibly hurting each other, etc, etc. You get the idea.

We set boundaries for our kids at home for a long-term goal. We want them to be able to know how to live within the boundaries of God’s word. I know a few well-meaning parents who allow their kids to do everything they want and realize that their kids have a hard time adjusting to the rules of their school or behaving in other people’s homes. The worst part is that they will have a hard time living according to the will of God. If kids got used to doing their own way, they will have a hard time being in submission to any kind of authority.

Psalm 119:9
How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word.

Apr 12 2009

I’m making God sad

I had to discipline Ryan because he disobeyed an instruction. In an attempt to explain to a 2 year old that obeying is about

pleasing God, I said “If we obey, God is happy. But if we disobey, God is sad.” To this Ryan replied, “You’re making God sad because you are making me cry.”

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